New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
