he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
