I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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