this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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