three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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