I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Everclear isn't food dammit
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
