we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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