ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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