he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
