You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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