Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
