3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
