Kareoke will never be a sober sport
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
