I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
