Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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