the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
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