So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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