Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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