I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
