He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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