The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Randomize
