I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
