We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
