I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize