she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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