I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I am naked and annoyed.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
