Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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