Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
