you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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