i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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