Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
