all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
