I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
