I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize