Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize