I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
