I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
this hospital has no fireball
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
