You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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