hell yes lets make some ravioli
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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