I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize