I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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