Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
