I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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