I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
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