if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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