So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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