i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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