got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
