On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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