is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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