he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
