I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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