No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
