How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
