Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
