I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
