Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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