Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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